Illustrations by Alison Berry
Guest art by Gabrielle Durán
Episode 14: Agnacious and the Catons
James decided it would be a good idea to show off a bike trick to Hana. While she watched in concern, he rode his bike downhill to build up speed and, once the path became level again, carefully stood up on the seat. Then it veered out of control, crashed into a fence and sent him flying into the grass.
Hana raced over to him. ‘James!’ she called. ‘James! Are you okay?’
He very slowly and painfully flipped himself over so that he was facing her. He had skinned one of his knees and both of his wrists.
‘I’m fine,’ he said, wincing. ‘It’s part of the trick.’
Hana helped him back up and then looked at the blood left on her hands. ‘You’re bleeding!’ She stuck her tongue out at the grossness of the blood.
‘It’s part of the trick,’ he repeated, and then he hobbled over to a collection of wired-together rocks that overlooked the river. Hana stood his bike back up and walked it over to him, resting it against a tree. Together they sat down on the rocks, their legs dangling over the twenty-foot drop.
James looked down at the water, wishing he could wash his wrists in it; his wrists were pink with red spots, the damaged areas furred with tattered white skin. He imagined how nice it would feel to have the cold, rushing water take the pain away. He then looked to Hana, who was looking down at his wrists.
‘Maybe you should have your mom put something on them,’ she said.
‘I think a better idea would be to not let her know this happened,’ he said.
Hana sighed and looked out over the river. James flipped his wrists back down and held onto the rock.
‘Would you cry?’ he suddenly asked her.
‘Pardon?’
‘Would you cry if you hurt yourself like this,’ he said. She shook her head no. ‘Come on! I know you would.’
‘If you’re not crying then I probably wouldn’t,’ she told him.
They were silent for a moment.
‘Is my bike all right?’ he asked.
‘It’s fine as long as you don’t try to destroy it again,’ she said.
‘So what’s with the giant bird hiding behind that tree over there?’ he asked, pointing across the river.
Hana followed his finger to see a tall black bird that was peeking out from behind an incredibly tall tree.
‘That . . . that’s a giant bird!’ she cried. ‘Not another one! It’s as if they’re running out of ideas.’
The bird then seemed to notice that they had noticed it. It arranged itself behind the tree until not a single feather could be seen.
James stood up. ‘The last time a bird tried to follow you it ended up picking a fight,’ he said. ‘This time we should take it by surprise and attack first.’
Hana had to admire his bravery. She was also very much sick of being attacked by giant birds, even if there had only been one so far, so she nodded her agreement. Together they checked the state of James’ bike, and once they confirmed its stable condition they got on. James quickly pedaled them to the nearest bridge as they dodged joggers and elderly couples.
‘Don’t wear yourself out, James,’ she called to him. ‘You just had a spill.’
He wanted to yell back ‘yes, Mom,’ but thought better of it; instead he pedaled even harder.
The other side of the river was less receptive of bicycles, with unpaved paths and fallen branches. James swerved around the obstacles as Hana bounced on the seat behind him. It was a very bumpy ride but she tried not to complain.
Soon they caught sight of the very tall bird. It did not seem to notice them, possibly because it seemed so focused on its head, holding onto it with its wings as it continuously and agitatedly tugged at its beak. They wondered if it had a headache.
They noticed that the bird was standing on a short stack of cardboard boxes, which explained its extraordinary height, but even then it was still about the size of a toddler; it was more of a smallish large bird.
They hid the bike behind a bush and sneaked down to the bird, dashing from behind large rocks to bushes to trees. Finally they found a combination of the three situated not far from the bird and watched it from there. They did their best not to make a sound, though it seemed like the bird would not have heard them even if they were blowing kazoos; it kept making strange noises that sounded almost like muffled swears.
Hana and James took turns peeking out from their hiding place. They enjoyed the espionage so much that they did not want it to end, though they knew they would have to jump out at some point and make their attack before the bird flew away.
James whispered ‘one, two, three’ and then they jumped out, screaming at the top of their lungs. The bird looked around in bewilderment before it was bodychecked by James, knocking them both down to the ground. Together they rolled to the edge of the river as Hana ran after them.
‘Careful, James! Don’t kill it!’
James climbed off the large bird, panting. The bird moaned in pain.
‘Looks like we won this battle,’ James said triumphantly. ‘Now let’s see what birdbrain here was all about.’
He grabbed the bird and stood it on its feet. The bird appeared to be in a daze; it swayed back and forth and did not say anything.
‘Uh, anybody home?’ James asked.
The bird looked up at them then, its beak wide open and two shining green eyes peering out from within the darkness.
‘It has eyes in its mouth!’ Hana gasped.
‘Maybe it ate somebody,’ James said.
‘They look like cat eyes.’
Sure enough, the eyes inside the mouth were slit like a cat’s. They also looked very startled.
‘Did you eat a cat, you stupid bird?’ James asked it angrily.
‘No! This is perfectly normal!’ the bird suddenly cried, its voice not very songlike. ‘Haven’t you ever seen the inside of a bird’s mouth before?’
James thought about it. ‘I haven’t,’ he said. He then turned to Hana. ‘What about you?’
‘I can honestly say I’ve never seen the inside of a bird’s mouth before,’ she said. ‘But it sure seems strange to me.’
‘Anything new to you is going to seem strange by default,’ the bird told them.
‘Hey, why isn’t your beak moving when you speak?’ James asked.
There was a lengthy silence.
‘I think you’re giving it way too much time to try to think of an answer,’ Hana said. ‘Let’s just take the mask off. I mean, I’m pretty sure it’s a mask, at least.’
James nodded and reached for the bird’s head. It hissed at them and he pulled his hand back.
‘Do birds hiss?’ he asked Hana.
‘No,’ she told him. ‘No, they don’t.’
James reached for the bird’s head again and it slapped his hand away. He winced and looked at his hand to see why: there were red lines across his skin.
‘Do birds have claws in their wings?’ he asked Hana.
‘James, it’s obviously not a bird!’
He nodded and then went for the bird again, this time more forcefully. It begged for mercy so he let it go.
‘Okay, okay,’ the strange bird said. ‘I’ll tell you the truth. I’m . . . not actually a bird. I’m a cat dressed up as one.’
Hana and James did not appear particularly surprised.
‘Tell us something we don’t know,’ Hana said.
‘Well, all right,’ the costumed cat sighed. It pulled back its bird head so that its real head was poking through its beak, revealing a black, furry face that looked very familiar to James.
‘Agnacious?’ he asked uncertainly.
‘Yes,’ she answered sheepishly.
James had to rub his eyes to make sure she was real. ‘You can talk!’ he shouted. ‘You can stand! You’re dressed up as a bird!’
‘Yes, that’s me all right,’ Agnacious said, sighing heavily. ‘You’ve caught me. I suppose you’ll be torturing me now.’
‘Of course not!’
‘Rrreally?’ she purred. ‘But they said they torture spies.’
‘Who’s “they”?’ Hana asked.
‘Well, the first “they” are the Catons. They’re the secret organisation I’m a part of, the one you’re not supposed to know about. The other “they” are everyone else.’
‘Just what are the Catons?’ Hana figured she should ask all of the questions while James was still in shock.
‘Catons are cats who know how to stand,’ Agnacious explained. ‘If you’re a cat and you can stand then you’re drafted into the Catons.’
‘It’s a good thing Gorey can’t stand, then,’ Hana said.
‘Oh, you mean the way king’s son?’ Agnacious asked. ‘He’s quite the tomcat, you know.’
‘So why were you spying on us?’ Hana asked. She never expected a spy to be this informative, so she wanted to see how far her luck could travel.
‘Ohh, you knoww,’ the black cat sang. ‘Just a little spying for the sake of spying, that’s all.’
‘I don’t believe you.’
Agnacious seemed to shrug despite not having shoulders; she lifted her hands and closed her eyes. ‘Sometimes the truth can be the hardest thing to believe in,’ she said. Then she opened her eyes again and smiled, her sharp white teeth shining behind black lips. Hana did not think the cat was intentionally trying to be creepy but the effect was there all the same.
‘Why did you run away?’ James suddenly asked, having by now collected himself.
‘I didn’t run,’ Agnacious said defensively. ‘I stood.’
‘Seems like the same thing to me.’
Agnacious made a show of shrugging again. ‘We believe what we want to,’ she said. ‘Now, if you’ll excuse me, I should get going before someone catches me talking to you. It’s not uncommon for Catons to spy on themselves, you know.’
James reached out to grab the cat but she took a few steps backwards, walking right off the edge of the cliff. Hana and James froze in wordless fright, the spell broken only when they saw the black, winged cat flap her way away from what they had perceived to be instant death. Her flapping was erratic and desperate but impressive nonetheless, and she continued to flap until she disappeared behind some trees on the other side of the river.
‘So cats can fly,’ James said.
There was nothing they could do. They returned to James’ bike and, once he realised the very loud rumbling sound he heard was coming from Hana’s stomach, rode them to the nearest Ice Cream Hut. He bought Hana a waffle cone and then, after she nursed her ice cream headache, she fell asleep with her head on the table.
* * *
That night in Hana’s backyard, Hana and James lay on a bunch of plastic grocery store bags stitched together as a blanket. They lay on their backs; James folded his arms over his chest and Hana rested her hand on her stomach, her other hand reaching for the surrounding grass and tugging at it. They were supposed to be watching the stars as part of an astronomy assignment for school, picking out constellations and coming up with their own, but the only stars in the sky were airplanes. This meant that their constellations were constantly evolving and they wondered what their resulting marks would be. Mostly they were looking up at the moon, so round and bright that it barely looked real. They sketched their findings into their notebooks, kept safe from the damp grass thanks to the plastic bag blanket.
‘If we had known about this assignment before I went on my camping trip then I would’ve gotten a hundred percent for sure,’ Hana said.
‘I never even knew there were stars until the first time I went camping,’ James said.
Since there were no stars to watch, they gazed into the blackness instead.
‘Think Agnacious is hovering around up there, spying on us?’ James asked.
‘I don’t think her flying ability is really all that good,’ Hana said. ‘It seemed more of a spur-of-the-moment-type thing when she did fly.’
‘Yeah, I guess you’re right.’
They were silent for a few moments, listening to the crickets as they lost themselves in the sea of darkness. Then they heard a faint, warbling sound, like a dented teakettle boiling in the distance. The sound gradually became louder and louder.
Hana and James sat up and looked around them, wondering which house it could be coming from. The sound continued to increase in volume until it no longer sounded like a teakettle but rather that of a cat straining its vocal chords while being tortured by a bath. They realised the sound was actually coming from above them and they looked up.
That was when a black shape crash-landed between them on the blanket of plastic bags, a creature with both feathers and fur.
Agnacious stood up and danced around in a dizzy daze. Hana and James stared blankly at her.
‘Ohh, my head,’ the cat warbled, and then she shook out the dizziness. She looked from Hana to James, blinked, and then quickly dashed out of the backyard, knocking over some garbage cans as she fled.
‘Okay, I’m officially tired of being stalked, spied on and watched,’ Hana said. ‘Too bad I can’t file restraining orders against cats, giant chickens and robots.’ She sighed.
‘Why are people spying on you, again?’
Hana started counting on her fingers. ‘Okay, first there are the intruders: the monsters and such that sneak into the city and try to attack me. For some reason they think I’m Daniel Druff even though I look nothing like him. Then there’s the way king, but I think he spies on just about everybody, not just me. I don’t mind him so much. And then there’s Daniel Druff himself, who must have a really strong pair of binoculars to be able to keep an eye on me from outside of the city. Or I guess he has some kind of super robot vision. I dunno. He says he keeps an eye on me to protect me, or something like that, but I honestly don’t know how much I can trust him so I probably won’t. And then there are the Catons. I don’t know what’s going on there.’
‘And all this in one summer.’
Hana fell back onto the plastic bag blanket and shut her eyes. ‘All this in one summer,’ she repeated under her breath. ‘My favourite season ruined by monsters.’
‘That’s why they’re monsters,’ James said.
Hana nodded. ‘At least they’re not moustaches,’ she said. ‘Moustaches are the worst. I’d probably stop trying if we were dealing with moustaches.’
‘You know, your dandruff stuff doesn’t really make you all that normal, yourself,’ James noted. ‘You could almost say that you’re a—’
‘No,’ Hana said. ‘Don’t say it.’
James shrugged and sat down beside her on the plastic bag blanket. Then he noticed something up in the sky and shook her. ‘Hey, Hana! Either Agnacious caught on fire or I just saw a shooting star!’
Hana opened her eyes and looked up. The sky was completely empty with the exception of the moon. ‘It must’ve been Agnacious,’ she said. ‘There’s no way you could see a shooting star here.’
James looked up at the sky again and stroked his chin. ‘It must’ve been a shooting star,’ he said.
‘Draw it and I’ll tell you if it was or not,’ Hana told him.
He quickly set to work on his drawing, using a white pencil crayon on a black piece of paper, and just as quickly finished; shooting stars, like regular ones, were not very hard to draw. Once he was finished he showed it to Hana, who held the paper up in front of her so that the black paper blended with the rest of the night sky. It was a shooting star all right. She smiled and made a wish.
‘So?’ James asked her. ‘Is it?’
Still smiling, Hana turned to James and handed the paper back to him. ‘I suppose we’ll find out tomorrow,’ she said.
To Be Concluded In Episode 15: Raisin of Existence
Episode 1
Episode 2
Episode 3
Episode 4
Episode 5
Episode 6
Episode 7
Episode 8
Episode 9
Episode 10
Episode 11
Episode 12
Episode 13
Episode 14
Episode 15
Volume 2
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