Illustrations by Alison Berry
Episode 13: Chewing the Fat
‘And that’s what happened,’ Hana finished, having summarised her camping trip to James.
They were at the baseball diamond after school, with James practicing swings while Hana practiced pitches. Hana was throwing dandruff balls so she did not have to run out and retrieve the ball over and over again. It was actually James who had suggested the idea; normally he was either sickened by her dandruff powers or laughed at them, but today he seemed to have changed his opinion somewhat. Maybe it was because Hana had sounded so distraught when she had called him up upon returning from her trip. She did not wish to say over the phone what had happened, nor did she want to talk about it around Henri, so they had to wait until now for her to tell the story.
Having kept the story inside her for so long, it came out in a rapid, continuous rush, with sentences colliding with each other and words melting into other words. But James got the gist of it: Hana had come across the roboticised remains of Daniel Druff, her ancestor and the founder of the city, and Mr. Druff basically told her that all of the creatures that have been attacking her lately have been mistaking her for him.
‘But why are they so adamant about attacking him, er, you?’ James asked. ‘Did you ask him that?’
‘I don’t think so,’ Hana said, and was surprised by her own uncertainty. Despite her tremendous memory, she was only able to remember and half-remember certain moments and bits of dialogue, as if it had all been just a dream. ‘I sure wish I did.’
‘Maybe next time,’ James said as he swung at the air. He swung again and hit one of Hana’s dandruff balls, one of the crunchier ones. ‘Do you think there’s going to be a next time?’ he asked.
‘I don’t know,’ Hana said, stopping to think. ‘He said he never actually comes into the city, but then he said he’s always watching me or something like that. Maybe he’s like the way king and has a bunch of people watching for him. It’s creepy!’
‘Yeah.’
‘It’s creepy and I hate it!’
James let go of his bat and went to Hana. He placed his hand on her shoulder. ‘Calm down, Hana,’ he said. She was looking down at their feet, their shoes dirty with sand and grass. When she looked up, James saw the tears in her eyes. He was at a loss as to what to do.
‘Uh,’ he said. He tried wiping the tears away with his thumbs, leaving black smudges of dirt on her face. Hana blinked away the rest of the tears.
‘Don’t tell anyone I cried,’ Hana said, ‘or I’ll have to kill you.’
James smiled as he held the sides of her arms. She sniffled and then wiped her nose with her finger.
‘I mean it,’ she said, smiling weakly. The light in her eyes meant she was hoping for some consolation, and the light was shining even more brightly in contrast to the dirt.
‘I know!’ James told her. ‘I promise, okay? It’s not a big deal for a girl to cry anyway.’
Hana nodded. James let go and offered to give her a ride home on his bike, but she wanted to stay and practice, so they stayed. If it really was not a big deal like James said, then she would not make it a big deal. They played – throwing, catching, hitting, running – until the only thing Hana could think of was playing.
By the time they were finished Hana could barely move her legs. She was simply too exhausted and hungry to move. She did not even have the energy to be surprised by the bright red lobster that scuttled onto the diamond, tripping up James as it headed directly towards her. James got up off the ground and chased after it as he swung his bat around in a threatening manner.
‘Stop, James!’ Hana called out, and was thankful she had enough energy left to at least do that. ‘It’s the way king’s lobster. The one that I saved.’
‘Oh,’ James said. He then apologised to the lobster.
‘What are you doing all the way over here?’ Hana asked the lobster, bending down with her hands on her knees. ‘Has Henri been kidnapped again?’
The lobster pulled a card out from under it that read NO. James tried to take the card from the lobster but the lobster snapped its claw at him; he nearly toppled backwards in surprise and then he shook his fist.
‘Okay, so why are you here?’ Hana asked.
The lobster pulled out another card in response, and this one read THE WAY KING.
‘Wow, you’ve upgraded your cards!’ she noted happily. ‘They were only ever one word before. Has the way king asked for me?’
YES, the next card read.
‘I guess we’ll follow you, then,’ she said to the lobster, and then she looked up at James. ‘This is your chance to ask about your missing cat.’
‘Are you sure I can come?’ he asked. ‘This seems like a very Hana adventure. Ask the lobster if I can come.’
‘Can James come?’
YES, the lobster’s card read. And then, to prevent further time-wasting conversation, it began scuttling off the diamond towards the city streets. James got onto his bike and Hana got on behind him; it took some effort for him to push off the grass with all the added weight, but soon they were riding after the lobster, letting it lead them through the many paths and alleys of the city.
The sky was the colour of a blood orange and Hana wondered if it was an attempt to remind her of how hungry she was. Having to follow around a delicious-looking red lobster was not helping matters, either.
‘Man this lobster is fast,’ James commented as they soared through the city.
At one point he was forced to ride his bike through the city’s main library, much to the shock of everyone inside. Hana tried to hide her face in case anyone noticed her. When they burst out the back doors, out came an angry librarian, shaking her fist at them as they vanished over the horizon.
Hana wondered if there was going to be any more fist-shaking today; she figured there would not be as long as the rest of the day consisted of nothing but cats and lobsters, since such creatures were not capable of making fists, much less shaking them. Then again, such creatures were not supposed to be capable of talking or preparing unlimited supplies of cards with words on them, either.
Eventually they were led to the small hill and short building that she remembered from her first meeting with the way king. James parked his bike and leaned it against some cardboard boxes that had images of cartoon fruits printed on them. Hana stretched and looked up at the hill with arms akimbo. The lobster was sitting on top of it, waiting for them to climb.
‘Isn’t this the same place you took me before?’ James asked Hana.
‘I think so,’ she said. ‘Maybe it was just a place that looked exactly like this. I dunno. I guess we’ll see if it has an alley this time.’
James nodded and together they scrambled up the hill. Using its tail as a spring, the lobster jumped onto the roof of the building, and Hana and James followed suit. Hana realised how faint she felt as soon as she landed.
‘I need food,’ she said, holding her mouth and stomach. ‘I’m so hungry I feel like I could throw up.’
‘I’ll get you some ice cream as soon as this is over,’ James promised. ‘Are we almost there?’
Hana looked at the large rectangular opening running through the middle of the building. ‘Yeah, we’re here,’ she said. ‘Do you really mean that about the ice cream?’
James nodded again. Together they walked to the edge of the strange, exitless alley and looked down.
‘Oh wow,’ Hana said. For when they looked down, they saw that the alley only went down about a foot and was carpeted with grey and black fur. In the middle of all this fur was a cat’s head, its eyes closed. Looking more carefully they saw that the fur was steadily expanding and contracting and that the cat head seemed to be lightly wheezing.
‘What’s going on?’ Hana asked the lobster, which had been gazing down with them. ‘What is this?’
The lobster pulled out a card from earlier: THE WAY KING, it read. Hana gasped, her hand at her mouth.
‘That’s the way king?!’ James exclaimed. ‘This is the thing that helped save Henri?’ He looked like he was about to be sick to his stomach.
‘Well, he didn’t look like this before,’ Hana said. She then turned to the lobster again. ‘What happened?’
The lobster pulled out the longest card yet, which read: THE LOBSTERS DID AS COMMANDED.
‘“The lobsters did as commanded”?’ Hana had to think about what this meant. The only lobsters she knew of other than the bright red one were the fanatics that had captured Henri. But when were they ever commanded to do something? Well, there was that to-do list they had mistaken for commands from their lobster god, the to-do list that basically demanded a boatload of fish. Hey, wait a minute! That was it!
‘So the evil lobsters got fresh fish from the ocean?’ Hana asked the lobster, feeling triumphant. The lobster somehow appeared to nod. ‘But where did they put the fish? How did the way king get them? I destroyed the lobster god while they were scouring the ocean.’
Even more remarkable than appearing to nod, the lobster now seemed to shrug. For Hana it was just as well: a complete lack of explanation was as good as a full one in her world, or at least that was what all the strange happenings occurring around her would have her believe.
A loud scraping sound cut into her thoughts and she noticed that the lobster was no longer standing on the edge of the alleyway; she looked behind her and saw that it was dragging a metal rod towards them. Hana and James parted to let the lobster through, and then it started prodding the pool of cat in random places. The entire building started to rumble and a huge miaow came from the way king’s head.
‘What are you doing?!’ Hana cried out in alarm.
The lobster stopped its wild poking and took a few steps away from the edge. The way king’s head came groggily to life and silently regarded the trio before it. This lasted for a few more moments and then the way king steadily drifted back to sleep, the dance of drowsiness ending when his head finally fell forward. The lobster then poked the impossibly fat cat with the rod again and he awoke before he could re-enter the realm of dreams.
‘Good evening, gentlemen,’ the way king rumbled in his deep, regal voice.
‘G-good evening,’ James said, bowing respectfully to the huge cat. Hana and the lobster followed suit.
‘Ah, Hana,’ the way king greeted her. ‘Thank you for coming. You can undoubtedly see why I called you here: I have found myself in a rather embarrassing predicament, caused by my own insatiable appetite. Thanks to those devilish lobsters, I have eaten more fish than I have any right to. Now, I may be selfish in this request, but I was hoping that you might be able to assist me with my current situation. I would like to return to my previous shape as quickly and quietly as possible, before anyone learns of what has become of me.’
‘I’ll do anything to help you after you helped me save Henri,’ Hana said. ‘But what can we do?’
‘Thank you, dear Hana. I take it that this is James, one of your many friends.’
‘Yes, he is,’ she told him.
The way king’s head revolved so that it faced him directly. ‘It is an honour to meet you, James. Any friend of Hana’s is a friend of mine.’
‘Thank you, sir,’ James said.
‘Now, to return to your previous question,’ the way king said, revolving his head back to Hana. ‘There is only one thing you can do to help me out of my current state, and that is to punch the fat out of me.’
‘Punch it out of you?’
‘Yes,’ the way king answered flatly.
James slapped his baseball bat with his hand. ‘Can we hit you with this as well?’ he asked.
‘Oh, that would be splendid,’ said the cat. ‘Now, all three of you, please jump on top of me and commence the beating.’
Without hesitation, the lobster used its tail to launch itself from the edge and landed on the cat’s rolling fat. James went next, cannonballing onto the area opposite the lobster. Hana was not as enthusiastic.
‘I don’t know if I want to be a part of this,’ Hana said, watching with disgust as James and the lobster wailed on the way king with their metal weapons. The cat was moaning with what she assumed was pain, but he did seem to be shrinking somewhat. She wondered where all the fat was going but then she decided that she did not actually want to know.
‘Come on in!’ James called to her as he caught his breath between swings. ‘It’s like walking on a waterbed!’ He then went back to beating on the poor fat cat.
Hana inched her way towards the edge and then carefully lowered herself until she was sitting on it. Looking at the mayhem below, and how much it actually seemed to be helping, she figured she should do what the cat king asked, no matter how bizarre, violent and disgusting it was. She began taking off her shoes, since she figured there was no sense in getting the cat’s fur too dirty, and then she slowly lowered her toes to the cat’s fat as if she was testing the temperature of a pool of water.
She winced when her toe reached the surface and it rippled in response. Out of respect for the cat she forced herself not to run away screaming. Instead she kneeled down on the cat’s back, or at least she assumed it was his back, and began pounding on him while weeping over how gross it all was.
‘That’s the spirit!’ the cat king cried. ‘Beat the fat right out!’
James was laughing maniacally. This was definitely not how Hana expected her second encounter with the way king to go: she figured there would be a lot more ceremony, solemnity and revelation, not whatever it was they were doing.
One hundred punches and miaows later, they managed to get the way king back down to his original shape. Apparently he had been sitting in his pink chair the whole time.
‘Ah, much better,’ the way king purred. ‘I am forever in your debt, Hana, and that goes for your friend James as well.’
Hana felt incredibly honoured by his words, for she knew that the way king was not just saying them as a figure of speech. She found herself curtsying from behind the line of masking tape that separated the way king from his subjects.
‘It was the least we could do,’ she said, and James nodded. He seemed to have grown shy in the king’s presence. ‘Actually, there’s a favour we’d like to ask of you while we’re here,’ Hana said to the cat. ‘We’d like to know the fate of James’ cat.’
‘I believe I know of the one of which you speak,’ the way king said, and if he had a beard then he probably would have been stroking it. ‘What was this cat’s name?’
‘Agnacious,’ James said with a certain amount of intensity. He had suddenly become anxious at the mention of his lost cat.
‘Yes, Agnacious,’ the way king said, apparently pulling up the cat’s file in his memory bank. ‘I am happy to report that she is still alive.’
James nearly collapsed from relief. ‘Where is she? My mother tries not to show it, but she’s worried sick.’ Hana knew that, while this was most certainly true, James was actually talking about himself.
The way king sighed a baritone sigh. ‘While I am happy to report she is alive and well, I do not have such feelings in regards to where she is now: Agnacious has joined a secretive group of cats known only as the Catons. They are a separate entity to that of my kingdom despite freely existing within it. Some say they are one of the reasons why the intruders have been showing up in greater frequency lately, though I cannot be sure; while I know of their existence, I do not know of what transpires within their organisation. None of my agents have been able to infiltrate it – it seems nigh impenetrable. I wish I had more information for you, young James, but for now this will have to suffice.’
‘It’s still more than I could’ve ever hoped for, sir,’ James said respectfully. ‘Thank you.’
The way king nodded, his body temporarily swallowing his head. ‘You are welcome.’
The way king offered them tea, which Hana and James happily accepted. There was a very fishy flavour to the tea that they noticed but did not bother pointing out; they were glad to have something – anything – to drink, so they tried not to concern themselves with the ingredients. The way king took such polite sips that they wondered how he could have become so gluttonous before, or perhaps he was simply starting to be more careful. In the end, everyone thoroughly enjoyed their tea except for one: as it had an aversion to hot water, the lobster instead entertained the guests by juggling its cards.
Soon it was time for Hana and James to go. They thanked the way king for the tea and in turn he thanked them once more for the exercise. They climbed up the only rope that led out of the alley and jumped from the roof to the hill. The lobster saw them to their bike.
Despite her hunger being worse than ever, Hana still felt better than she had earlier in the day. James could see this and smiled at her as she got onto his bike.
From a larger hill further away, a black feline was watching them ride off. Once they were out of sight it flipped open a cell phone and began dialling an absurdly long number, and after nine rings somebody picked up.
‘Yes?’ a distorted voice answered.
‘This is Agnacious,’ the black cat said. ‘They know.’
‘I know they know.’
‘Yeah? Well I know you know they know.’
‘Then why did you even bother calling?’
‘I don’t know,’ Agnacious said, and then she shut off the phone in frustration. Calling headquarters was always a pain since cats were such inherently independent creatures. She sighed, and then proceeded to follow as planned.
To Be Continued In Episode 14: Agnacious and the Catons
Episode 1
Episode 2
Episode 3
Episode 4
Episode 5
Episode 6
Episode 7
Episode 8
Episode 9
Episode 10
Episode 11
Episode 12
Episode 13
Episode 14
Episode 15
Volume 2
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